If he was less of a dicksucker
by riverdaleswhiteflash
Summary: Formerly: Homecoming. Itachi is dead. Sasuke is alive. It's not quite clear what Orochimaru is after their fight, besides creepy. Taka wants to live in Konoha. No TsunadexSasuke. They're the main characters.
1. The Eagle has Landed

"Wow, this is where you used to live, Sasuke-Kun?" Karin looked around in wonder. "A man and a woman could be happy together for the rest of their lives here!"

Sasuke smiled and looked back at his other two friends. "Jugo or Suigetsu would be glad to hear that from you."

They walked right up to the gate, and stopped in front of the guards.

"Remember me?"

The shocked looks on the guards faces were answer enough. One of them reached under the desk to...

"I'd rather you didn't call the ANBU. I trust them a lot less since one of Root's agents tried to kill me a couple of months back."

The guards looked at each other, shocked.

"Look, if you could just grant the four of us an audience with the Hokage, I'd really appreciate it."

The guards touched the radio button. "Hokage-sama, could you please give us a vacation and send us to the hospital? We think we've both gone insane."

The voice at the other end came back with "And I think you both need to sit your asses back down. You are not insane and he really is standing there. What does he want?"

"An audience with you."

"And make sure Danzo, Homura, and Koharu don't know about it. I don't trust any of them for shit, especially not Danzo."

"Got it. Welcome home, Sasuke. Planning to stay?"

Sasuke smiled. "Hell yeah."

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"Tsunade! I came here as soon as I heard!" Homura rushed into the room, not even knocking. "Is it true, is it?!"

"Yes, it is," spoke a voice from the doorway.

Homura turned to see Team Hebi (or Team Taka or whatever the fuck they were called these days) standing in the doorway behind them. He reached into his robe and pulled out a blade. "Come no closer to the Hokage, or I will take all of your lives!"

Tsunade and Team Taka both burst out laughing.

**On this story, I'd like to start with more reviews than chapters, if at all possible.**

**Plx plx plx?**


	2. Insanity

Karin wiped a tear from her eye. "Yeah right, you decrepit old shit. What do you expect to be able to do to us?"

Sasuke looked Homura over very slowly. His village's leader and his three remaining friends were amused. Sasuke himself was not. "I've finally remembered what's most important after three years. I'd rather not be chased out of my own home now that I finally do."

"I'm not chasing you. I'm going to bury you here!" Homura jumped straight at...

Jugo's arm. Jugo grabbed the offending ninja, and held him by the limb holding the weapon. "**You aren't going to be killing anyone, old man."**

"Jugo, that's enough." Sasuke released the exact amount of killing intent he had used the last three times, and paused to allow it to effect Jugo.

It didn't. The mad ultra-curse seal raised his fist and turned it into what could have been a giant pincushion, except all the pins were pointed outward.

"**Jugo. That's enough.**" Sasuke unleashed twice the normal intent. Jugo's face didn't even twitch. "**JUGO!**" Try as he might, Sasuke couldn't unleash anywhere near the intent necessary to stop the transformation. Jugo seemed to have slipped deeper than he ever had before. Under normal conditions, Sasuke could have easily stopped him. But with Jugo's even worse than normal transformation, and Sasuke's own bewilderment distracting him from unleashing his full killer intent, Homura was in a little bit of trouble.

Jugo sent his fist straight at Homura, who had no hope of saving himself.

And he didn't. Tsunade realized what had to be done at the last second, she jumped forward and grabbed Jugo's wrist, unleashing her own killer intent as she did so.

Jugo's seal receded.

"Sorry."

"**SORRY?! WHAT 'SORRY'?" **Tsunade was in a little bit of a bad mood over this. **"YOU ALMOST KILLED ONE OF OUR VILLAGE'S OLDEST SHINOBI!!"**

"Well, Tsunade-sama..." Sasuke timidly brought up. Jugo's seal had receded, Tsunade's bad mood had not. "Jugo has a medical condition that kind of makes it difficult for him to control himself. That's one of the reasons I had Team Taka come back with me... I was hoping you could help treat him."

"**OROCHIMARU'S CURSE SEAL DOES NOT COUNT AS A MEDICAL CONDITION!!"**

"This... isn't Orochimaru's doing, Hokage-sama." Karin was trying her luck this time. "It works more or less the same way, but Jugo's enzymes are a natural condition. In fact, it was by studying Jugo's blood that Orochimaru was able to create the curse seal."

"And... why did you let him do this...?" Tsunade was more curious than pissed, now.

"I was... hoping he could... cure me?" Jugo spoke the last two words rather timidly. "I know it sounds stupid, but he was doing research, and... well... wouldn't you have done the same?!"

Tsunade finally let go of his wrist. "Yes, I probably would have." She sighed. "Very well, you may all stay in the Uchiha compound for three days, except Jugo. He will be staying in the hospital, under my supervision, for that entire time. After the three days are up, I will decide what to do with all of you, unless one of you is so irritating that I cannot allow him or her to stay for that time. Are we clear?"

"Hai, Hokage-sama!" Homura was the only one who did not answer that way. He didn't answer at all, in fact.


	3. A SharpEdged, Metal Gravestone

He had failed.

Again.

Sasuke was still Kami knew where, and Kami knew how they were going to find him.

Naruto knew, however, that he would find him.

And that he would bring him back.

He walked past the guards glumly.

"Why so down, Naruto?" One of the chuunin called out.

Naruto recognized her as Inuzuka Hana, his friend Kiba's sister, and the vet who had stopped Akamaru that time he had gone insane.

"Why do you think, Hana-san?"

"You didn't bring Sasuke back, but..." her voice trailed off...

"You mean you three honestly haven't heard?" She seemed surprised.

"Heard what?" Sakura ran over.

"He came back!" Inuzuka Kiba ran over to his sister. He couldn't have heard the news, but it was fairly obvious what she was trying to say, and his scent might still have been at the gate, if he'd entered this way.

"Yes, I have." The voice was familiar, but the warm tone in it was not.

They looked over, and saw him, with an unfamiliar man and woman standing behind him.

The unfamiliar man, however, had a very familiar sword...

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"So, how long have you had these enzymes in your body?" Tsunade asked her new, very high priority patient.

"For my whole life," Jugo replied.

"Which has been?" she inquired.

"Thirty years."

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"_**WHAT IS THAT DOING THERE!!"**_ Naruto pointed to the sword-turned-grave-marker-turned-sword.

"What do you think?" The man smiled. His teeth were like Zabuza's.

"_**I THINK YOU'RE DESPOILING A GRAVE MARKER!!"**_ It was not Naruto who screamed this, but Sakura. **_"WHY THE FUCK DID YOU LET HIM DO THAT, SASUKE!?"_**

"Suigetsu said that that sword was passed from swordsman to swordsman over the generations. If that's true, I could hardly let it rust in the ground." Sasuke didn't really seem to be ashamed, but didn't proud either.

"Even if that's true, that sword was supposed to be there to honor Zabuza!" Sakura wasn't shouting as loud anymore, but she was hardly using an inside voice.

"What do you think it's going to do every time I go into battle?"

"**Fuck you**!" Sakura's voice had regained some of its lost volume.

"No, no, no, no no. I've never tried to see what I could fit in my ass, but there's no way this will."


	4. His old house

"_**SASUKE!"**_ Sasuke ducked as a blond missile shot towards him.

Said missile missed its mark, and hit another blond.

"_**OH, SASUKE, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU! HOW'VE YOU BEEN?! HOW MUCH DID YOU MISS ME?!**_

"That's Naruto you're cuddling." Sasuke looked rather bored.

"Uh!" Ino jumped back, looking as embarrassed as it was possible for her to get.

Naruto did too.

"Oh, come on, Naruto. It's the closest you're ever getting to a woman."

Ino blushed. The strange part was, for all of the hugs she'd ever given Sasuke, she enjoyed the feel of Naruto's body more...

_No no no no no no no no no. I love Sasuke, not Naruto!_

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"Well, this is my house. How is it?"

He, his two remotely sane teammates in Taka, and Team 10 and Ino, all walked in. Hinata, Kiba, and Shino had all left. Sai was there, but Sasuke was watching him.

Suigetsu looked around. "Pretty nice place."

Karin was floored. "OH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL!"

"Is there anyone besides us in it?"

Karin made the hand sign. "Yeah. Two people. Judging by their chakras, they're probably ANBU root."

Sasuke sighed and drew his sword. He'd hoped Danzo wouldn't try shit like this. Well, after he dealt with these assassins, he'd have to watch his food like a hawk, if he wanted it to be edible and devoid of poison. Danzo was such an ass. "Let's go greet them."

"_**WAIT! BAA-CHAN WOULD THROW YOU OUT!"**_

Sasuke sighed again. This was going to be difficult. He put away his blade. "Okay. No weapons or deadly force unless absolutely necessary. If it comes to killing, someone whose loyalty isn't on trial is going to have to do it, preferably with Rasengan or something else to make it clear that me and my team didn't do it."

"Okay."

They walked up to the door the assassins were standing behind. "Would you like me to use ink clones of us, Sasuke?"

"No. You're root too."

"I didn't kill you when I had the chance, did I?"

Sasuke considered this. "Okay."

Sai created the clones. He had the real humans stand back as Sasuke's clone opened the door, and walked in.

And was hit by six kunai right through the chest.

The blades shot through it and destroyed most of the others, who were standing right behind him. The Karin, Naruto, and Suigetsu clones were okay.

Naruto and his look-alike shot into the room with kunai in hand, blocking the knives that were being launched at them. Each of them punched out one assassin.

Naruto smiled at his clone as it fell apart.

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"I've got something for you, Morino-san."

"Two tied up ANBU?"

"They tried to assassinate me. I already know it's because I'm an Uchiha, but I'd like it if they confessed to it. Could you please arrange this, Morino-san?"

"I have you two as witnesses?" Kakashi and Naruto stood behind Sasuke.

"Yeah, they did." Naruto looked grim.

"Naruto here knocked them out himself." Kakashi's voice sounded grim, and what could be seen of his face looked grim.

"If both of you are vouching for me, I think I can get away with this. I really don't like this, though."

Kakashi probably smiled. "You'll like it a lot better once you get started."

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"**WE CANNOT ALLOW THIS TRAITOR IN OUR MIDST! WE MUST EXECUTE HIM!"** Senju Danzo was not his usual, dignified self. He was one pissed off son of a bitch.

"Anything to say to say to counter this, Naruto?"

Ignoring Danzo's less than pleased look at who he was being countered by, Naruto began his very short argument. "Not really. I just got one question. What were those two ANBU root assassins doing in Sasuke's bedroom?"

Ultimately, this was Tsunade's decision to make, not her advisors. And even if Danzo _could_ have influenced her without that little snide question, said question had thrown her trust for him under the bus.

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"Well, this is my judgment. The four of you will all be allowed to stay in this village."

"But with conditions..."

**How's the new title? I think you'll agree it's a much better description...**

**Please review.**


	5. Taka on Trial

"Uchiha Sasuke..."

Tsunade sighed.

"I really should have thrown you in prison. I really should have."

Danzo, Koharu, and Homura rolled their eyes.

"However, I do not intend to do so." Said elders all facepalmed.

"I thank you, Hokage-sama." Sasuke knew he was not getting off entirely unpunished. Naruto and Sakura might be able to sway her, and he may have eliminated two even worse missing-nin than himself (according to Konoha, at least, he didn't actually kill either of them) but neither factor would be quite enough to get him out of trouble entirely.

"You will be confined to the Uchiha district for five months, with only those visitors whom I approve." Which they all knew would include his former teammates. "You will be permitted to leave the district occasionally in the company of no less than twelve ANBU at a time, _**ALL OF WHOM **_I will select **personally**, and _**NONE OF WHOM**_ will have had _**ANYTHING**_ to do with the _**DISBANDED **_organization known as ANBU ROOT!"

She paused.

"And all of whom will know how to properly dissect a missing-nin."

Said elders were pleasantly surprised. Naruto was not.

"_**WHAT!!"**_

"Naruto, I'll need to talk to you after this meeting."

"But, but..."

"You can tell me I fucked up making the decision **after the meeting."**

"But"

"**After the meeting.**"

He looked at the floor. "Hai, Hokage-sama."

"Next, Jugo of the Scales."

She sighed. "I can't force, or even allow you to leave. Not with your condition."

Jugo bowed his head. "I understand. I was willing to stay confined in Orochimaru's prison to protect others. If you can cure my enzymes, I will swear my loyalty to Konohagakure."

"I cannot cure your enzymes. I can only control them. There is no permanent cure for any genetic illness."

"I will allow you to do what you can."

"Thank you. Houzuki Suigetsu..."

"You will need to put that butterknife back where you found it."

"What!?" Suigetsu was floored.

"You will need to put that butterknife back where you found it." Tsunade had hoped not to have to repeat herself.

"But I keep this sword to honor my sempai! I want to pass it down to my children, to honor his leg...

"You. Will. Need. To. Put. That. Butterknife. Back. Where. You. Found. It."

"But..."

"If you keep that weapon, you will not be allowed to stay here. Leaf-nins do not rob the dead."

"What...? Hai."

"Thank you."

_If I have to get rid of this cleaver, I'll just have to take the Samehada and the Lightning Dragon Blades too!_

"Finally, Karin."

"Hai, Hokage-sama!"

"I cannot allow you to stay."


	6. Mouse infestation?

Karin was floored.

"WH-Wh... What did you say, Hokage-sama?"

"I am sorry, Karin, but you have shown no trace of any ability which would justify me in allowing you to stay."

"What? Hokage-sama, I swear to you that if you give me permission, I will show you one of the most amazing abilities you have ever seen!"

There was a pause.

"I assume this ability is not dangerous?"

"No, Hokage-sama."

"Then demonstrate."

Karin made a hand sign.

"There is an estate twenty miles due east that seems to be owned by a serious dog-lover..."

Tsunade whispered to the Jonin next to her. He whispered back. She turned back to Karin with a stunned look on her face.

Karin smiled. She was doing okay.

"Twenty-four miles, on bearing southeeast thirty-four degrees two seconds. Somebody in this village really likes bugs."

More whispering, and afterwards Tsunade looked floored. She decided to test this ability further, by asking her something specific rather than letting her pick.

"Eighty miles, bearing northeast fourty degrees fifty-six minutes fourtythree seconds. Can you tell us?"

She looked with her sixth sense.

"Not many animals. There's the odd cat around, but they're clearly not doing much, because I can pick out a pretty big mouse infestation."

"What does the clan specialize in?"

She strained for about half a second.

"Genjutsu."

Tsunade stared with her eyebrows raised.

"Seventy-two miles bearing southeast fourty degrees?"

She looked.

And looked.

And looked.

"Is that a trick question?"

"Yes. That was planned to be a large shopping district, but it never worked out that way."

"Eighteen miles, north."

"I can't sense anything."

"Hokage monument." Tsunade looked at one of the council members. "Unkai."

"Hokage-sama?"

"Check your clan home for a mouse infestation. If you can find it, we're giving her a job as an ANBU tracking instructor. Tokubetsu Jonin rank."

"Hai, Hokage-sama."

A Kurama clan shinobi moved in and whispered to him.

"She did what?"

More whispering.

"Hokage-sama, it... turns out the clan house isn't... infested."

Karin was flustered. "What? But that's impossible. I know I sensed mice..."

Unkai wasn't really sure this could be happening either, to judge by the look on his face.

He made a brave attempt to keep speaking.

"It appears my niece... is... keeping them as pets." 


End file.
